Manners

Manners are a framework of norms that have been developed by a social group. 
They are meant to smooth interactions and reduce misunderstandings between people. 

Different social groups have developed their own framework of manners, based on their situation and their needs. 
This can be a problem when two groups interact, as what is normal for one social group may be insulting to another. 
For example:

-          Sitting with your legs crossed is normal for a westerner. 
It would upset someone from the east, as you are pointing the sole of your foot (very dirty) towards them. 

-          In the UK grief is expressed by the colour black; in China, white. 

-          In the east, flicking the hand backwards and forwards with the fingers pointing downwards means “come here”. 
In the west it means “go away”. 

-          In Japan, “Yes” may mean
                “Yes, I agree with you”,
                “Yes, I have heard what you say, but do not agree with you” or
                “Yes, I will have to go and talk to my boss about this” (and many more possibilities). 
This can be very confusing for westerners. 

Even within a single social group, manners may depend on the situation. 

-          What is acceptable behaviour at a social gathering may not be acceptable in a place of worship. 

-          It may be acceptable to talk while watching a film on the TV at home, but not in a cinema. 

-          Your attitude towards your boss at work may be different to that at your office Christmas party.

Humans interpret their environment based on the “filters” they have built up during their development.
Our manners become “normalised” and even unconscious behaviour. 
We see things as we are. 

Because of this, problems can arise in two ways:

o    Acting in a way that is normal (for us), but is improper or offensive for those from a different background.  
Others can see us as being “rude”. 

o    Misinterpretation or misunderstanding of another groups behaviours, as we do not understand what is going on. 
We can see them as being “rude”.

Initially, some tolerance towards the behaviours of another person or group is beneficial. 
Any slight or transgression of the social norms are probably due to ignorance. 
Over time, however, a person in an alien environment would be expected to learn the social norms of the host group. 

In situations where you are aware that your socialised manners may be at odds with the situation that you are in or the people you are with, it is often best to be careful with your words and gestures, and observe how other people behave.  Ask questions if you are not sure, as people are often happy to answer your questions, as it show that you are taking an interest in them and their culture. 

Written by Andy Urwin